Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's Day

I think Mother's Day is a little over rated personally. Everyday that I get a hug from my children or an "I love you" out of the blue is Mother's Day. Everyday that I have a bad day and I just want my mom is Mother's Day. Everyday that I hold a baby in my arms whether it is mine, a relative or a perfect stranger's it is Mother's Day. I don't know how to describe the feeling you have for your children. Love is not enough. Until the moment that baby breathes it's first breath, you don't understand. I've read a lot about motherhood, but I've never found any words that do it justice. How can words describe a bond that is so specific only a woman can feel it?
I'm not a crier, but have teared up several times today. I've done it thinking about my own children. I've done it thinking about friends and family that have lost their children and I've done it thinking about family and friends that have lost their mothers. I thanked God today for my own children and I thanked him for allowing me to still have my mom. I didn't get to spend much time with her today, because she was with my brother. I decided not to feel selfish, though. After all, she lives here with me. Both of the kids made me awesome cards and gifts at school. Those are always the most special. I even felt like the dogs gave me some extra attention today. While so many of us had wonderful days with our families, I can't help but think about those that struggled through it. When you become a mother, you forget about yourself. Your own feelings and needs are secondary and that lasts for life. I don't like the recognition for something I wouldn't trade for the world. It pains me see those that hurt because they miss their moms. God has a purpose for everything and that includes death. Don't mourn the loss of your mother. If she had the choice, she would go for you any day. I have even thought a lot lately about the death of children. I have been faced with that recently and while I don't understand it, I've turned it over to God. Once again, I believe all things happen for a reason. I don't understand but my faith is strong and even such a tragic loss will not allow me to question that faith. It has proven itself too many times.
Wow, all that really seemed like a downer. I didn't mean to be. I guess several times today, I felt guilty for feeling blessed to have such wonderful healthy children that I can grab and hug and love anytime I feel like it. Dalton made me pancakes this morning all by himself. When I cut into them, batter poured out even though the outside was dark brown. What more can you ask for? I LOVED THEM.
OK, a new task is upon us. Actually, it's an old task. I have to pass a test for work. I've already tried it twice and got within 2 to 3 points from passing but didn't make it either time. This time, I HAVE TO. I started studying again today. The problem is, I know it, I just haven't passed the darn test. SO, here we go again. I'm going to do it this time. I need to look at my schedule tomorrow at work and I'll set the date. I guess we'll have a count down.
ALSO, I'm getting really serious about Project 125. I'm very disturbed about this weight loss thing. I've never done it. Tonight, I was talking to Jeff after my little workout routine and once again got all emotional. I'm frustrated. I know I'm probably lucky to have never dealt with this before and nobody seems to understand my frustration, but that's making it worse. I know I don't look fat but I'm not the right size for me. That weight went on really fast and I didn't even have to work at it. Well, I have been working to get it off and it won't go away. My clothes don't fit and it's upsetting me. I'm not eating the food I want or the food I normally do. I'm exercising and I don't want to and it still isn't going anywhere. Today, I read about all of these quick fixes that I know are bad for me and probably don't work anyway. I'm trying to find my blessings in all of this, but I'm having trouble at the moment.
Since I'm not finding much positive to talk about tonight, I guess it's time to go crawl in bed with Izzy. She's laying here beside my chair staring at me anyway. I guess I'm tired.
Savannah has another field trip tomorrow. She is so excited. She told me today on our little golf cart ride that this was unprecedented. Back to back field trips were just unheard of. She is a nut. Dalton on the other hand, has his work cut out for him. He has the MCT tests this week, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I went and got cards for him tonight so his teacher can give him one every morning before the test. They have really been studying hard and reviewing. I'm so proud of both of them. Jeff gets to be the fun parent again tomorrow and go on another field trip. I know that's what you get when you've been at your job for 20 years but I can't help but be jealous. Before my Agency, I could take off and do whatever. Now, I can't. I could, but business would suffer and that's not where I need to be right now. GROW, GROW, GROW. I'm working hard.
OK, now even the cat is screaming at me to go to bed. I honestly have no idea what I'm still doing up.
Hug your babies if you haven't already and share your love. It comes back to you if you do and it might just happen when you really need it.

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