Can't Sleep

Something's not right. I don't know exactly what it is, or maybe I know too much that is wrong, but I can't sleep. I took an Ambien (miracle sleep drug) well over an hour ago and still can't sleep. I was watching The Green Mile and the flood gates opened up (those would be my tear ducts). I have had the most awesome day today and I am worn out. Every muscle and bone in my body hurts and I have a lot of bruises to show for all of the fun I had, but something is wrong in my heart tonight.

In The Green Mile, John gives the Boss the "gift" of immortality. In the end, the Boss says he guesses that it is his payback for killing John in the chair when he knew he was innocent. I had those thoughts this week. I feel like everything that is going on in my life is payback for the wrong things I've done and the way I've lived my life. Sometimes I just feel responsible for the bad things that happen. Sometimes I wonder if I'm responsible for my own pain.... I don't know how to explain what my heart feels right now, but that movie hit home tonight.

How 'bout my Mr. Kahne tonight? I'm actually watching it AGAIN on TiVo right now. There is something seriously wrong...it's 12:30 and I'm watching NASCAR and blogging and crying. What a day. Maybe I'm just too tired.

I have been swimming since 11:30 this morning and didn't come in tonight until after 10. My friend Jenifer and her husband and daughter came over today to swim. They talked me into trying out back flips. I can do front ones, and I could do back dives. Until today, I had never tried a back flip. Well after about 25 of them and some serious mess ups, I got it. My legs from the knees down are black and blue, seriously. I'll take some pictures of them tomorrow. I landed on them about 22 of those 25 tries today. I'm a little stubborn and don't like it when I can't do something. I'm a bit of a daredevil. I'll try just about anything. We had a blast! Then we had a street party. We all went down to the end of the cove and cooked out and watched the kids play on the slip and slide. Before you knew it, all the kids were gone and it was just adults sitting around. All of the kids were in my pool. SO, we all came back down here and one by one, every adult got pushed or thrown into the pool in our clothes. We had so much fun. When we got out, the kids were all so tired they were about to cry.

I still have a few things to get planted. I just had too much fun playing with the kids today. Mom got back home tonight. She even got pushed in the pool and ended up swimming for awhile. I'm so glad shes home. I am cooking tomorrow and some more folks are coming over to play. I love being with my friends and family. I miss Jeff's dad. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I know Jeff misses him. He passed away suddenly on July 30, 2005. He had a stroke at home and Jeff found him later that afternoon. He and I had a great relationship. I wish he was still here. He would have been here today and would certainly be here tomorrow if he was still around. I miss him terribly. I hate that my kids don't have him anymore. We was an amazing grandfather. We used to be at ball games and look over and he had snuck up and was over giving Dalton advice through the fence in the dugout.

Sorry about rambling tonight...I'm turning 35 this year and I have decided to have a paint ball party. I have never played but I think it would be a blast. There is a place in Hernando you can play and I want to. I'm ready to get that put together. Jenifer and I decided today that would be awesome fun. She's a great friend. We used to work together, but I left to open the insurance agency and she left when the market crapped out. We don't see each other like we used to, but she will always be a great friend. She and I were on a girl's trip in Nashville when Jeff's dad passed away. We were staying the weekend at the Gaylord Hotel in Nashville and had spent the day at the pool with the cutest cabana boy. Then we had massages scheduled at the spa. We got there and got about 15 minutes into our massages and they came to get me and told me I had a phone call. I knew something was bad wrong. I instantly thought it was my kids. Jeff was on the phone and told me what had just happened. We had to pack up and get home. I think I made record time that night.

Lelania is still at the hospital. She won't leave. I don't blame her. I intended to go see her tonight. How horrible of a friend am I? I'm talking about all of the fun I had and I should have gone to be a friend to her. I talked to her twice. She said things were just the same. She is having to be strong because her family is really struggling. I wish there was more I could do for her.

I don't like that Kyle Busch character. He really bothers me and he has been doing really good lately. Well, I've stayed up so late now, I'm hungry again. I think I have some left over pizza in there. I guess I'll go have a snack since sleep does not appear to be in my near future.
Have a great holiday. I'll get some pics up here tomorrow. Spend time with your family and friends.
Cya,
Kacy