SCHITZOEMBOLISM #1

Well, I warned you they were coming and if you don't want to hear about it, just stop reading. Trust me, I wish I could stop feeling this way, but I can't and I'm not one to just keep it all in. Have you ever taken STEROIDS? If you have, I sure I don't need to say anymore. If you haven't, just start praying today that you never have to.

Today, my Schitzoembolism was internal. That's a much better type to have than those nasty outward ones. I have managed to get everyone out of the house, too, so I can just be. I am miserable right now. I just don't know any other way to put it. I feel like I have the flu and like I am on fire from the inside out. My mind is working fine and full of ideas and things I need to do and even want to do, but my body is screaming, "HELL NO". It is so frustrating. Have you ever had a day where you drove around in your vehicle and noticed how clean everyone else's windows were? (Somebody, please just tell me you have.) Well, I did that today (and yesterday) and my windows are filthy. The problem is, I vacuumed. Yep, I know. I figured vacuuming was more important than cleaning windows and that wiped me out....SO, I have dirty windows and I can't get them clean. Let me just keep going, my closet is a disaster. It is full of clothes that I don't wear and even some new ones that I forgot I had. My shoes are a wreck and something I can hardly handle right now. I can't wear them. I've bought a couple of new pairs I can wear which creates a problem of none of my pants fitting because of length. I've got to go through all of them and take them to get altered. That's something else that overwhelms me. AND, I have a serious jewelry issue. I have a ton of jewelry and I have no way to get it organized. I'VE GOT TO GET THAT UNDER CONTROL. Then there is the laundry. Do you have any idea how much laundry this household generates? I do have help now, but I'm so overwhelmed I can't even get my act in order to get the help and I don't like to watch someone else do the things I want to do. There you go...it came out. I WANT TO DO IT AND THIS STUPID BODY WON'T COOPERATE. I don't want to sit back and watch someone else do the things I want to do.

I did go to yoga this week. It was wonderful. I really liked it. Of course, it's difficult to just go, but I did at least feel better about myself for just going. I also got Emily's treadmill so I can walk some. We'll see how that goes. I'm working on making the diet changes but that's a tough one when you are on steroids.

So now it's 8:10 on Saturday night and I'm home alone watching Project Runway. I LOVE THIS SHOW. I don't know if I've ever shared with everyone that if I was totally brave and could do anything I ever wanted to, I would work in fashion in some way....fashion design. I have a ton of ideas and drawings that really stink. The ideas are in my head, but I have trouble getting them on paper. I lack the artistic side.

Emily and Tosha are out together tonight. Is that scary or what? We had a little photo shoot before they left tonight. Both of these girls are a hoot.

I'm worried about those girls tonight. They are just screaming, Hey, I'm young, I'm single and I'm out. They both have my number programmed in their cells and I gave them the mother hen speech.

I've also got a lump in the back of my throat. Tomorrow is a very special day in a very sad way. I miss Jake. I've been thinking about him the last couple of days even more so than I normally do. Today, I did alot. The days I saw Jake he never felt great. I wish I had gone to see him before I did. I remember nights, Friday nights especially, driving home and screaming at God at the top of my lungs, WHY? Why Jake? Why his family? Those were questions, that I sometimes see glimpses of answers to or what I percieve the answers to be. Obviously, anyone would give anything to have that baby here and healthy, but so many wonderful things have happened that you can see his little prints on. It absolutely blows me away. I will never forget the talk I had with God the day Jake passed away. I sat on the curb in front of my little house on Graham Lake Drive and cried and cried and talked out loud. I didn't care how I looked or what anyone thought. God and I had a serious conversation that day and HE answered me. He gave me a way to deal with what happened and to see the positive in it. That has been a true life change for me. I've thought about you a ton these last couple of months Baby Jake. I've thought about your strength and your courage and the hope you gave your family. I'm trying hard to figure out how at your baby age you did it and I can't seem to get my arms around it. I think I have even more love and admiration for you now than I did when I came to see your little flipper self in ICU or even suffering through the marathon. (You gave me amazing strength that day.) I love you sweetheart and you live strong in my heart everyday. I know you never thought you could give strength to strangers, but trust me, you do. THANK YOU RABORN FAMILY FOR CONTINUING TO ALLOW US TO LOVE YOU ALL.

Have a great rest of the weekend.

Cya,

Kacy